I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Pants are for mortals
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
