dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
