You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
