She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
