Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Sext me about skeletons
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
