i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
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