I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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