he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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