All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
