I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
