well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
MIDGETS
????
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
