Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
