I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
