Your mouth is God's brothel.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
