so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
