singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
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Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
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It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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