I wish I could teleport
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
