If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
i just made my gag reflex go away.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
