I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
