the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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