Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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