Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
