go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
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