I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
