so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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