I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
