Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
