Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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