he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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