aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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