I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Randomize
