if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Randomize
