can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
