I'm so fucking centered right now
I wish I could teleport
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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