I feel great
I just peed on a car
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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