Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I'm getting married
To pizza
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
