I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
last night I used snow as a chaser
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
