would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
a search helicopter?!
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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