I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize