half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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