Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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