The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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