I just saw a hot homeless man
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
