I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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