My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
