I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Come share oat with me in your robe
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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