OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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