my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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