The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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