The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
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So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
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I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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