you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
