News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I am one with the molecules
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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