I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
