i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
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i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
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