So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
