apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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