Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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